self/deprivation

when did it become
so hard to sit with silence?

it is so intentional now

i have to decide not to play music
i have to decide to turn off my phone
i have to decide not to check my email
i have to decide to close my computer

i have forgotten how to think
in terms of all the things
i want to say yes to

like long quiet morning walks
or sitting down for an afternoon read
that turns into an afternoon nap (and back again)
or just looking out the window for a minute

sometimes my eyes forget
what it’s like not to be roving
over a screen

and i actually contemplate
going on a silent retreat
because it is so hard now
to be silent solely
from my own intention

the screens are the lines
which connect me to
all of you and i understand now
i no longer sit so easily
in true solitude
though i like to think
it’s what i want

i’ve been blaming
all the noise on you
when all the disquiet
is in my own mind

i go to the forest,
the desert, the sea
to remind myself
that i am me
and i know how to live
beyond the screen.

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